Rather sad than nothing
I sit here in my room.
I feel my eyes start to burn,
Without explanation.
The burning turns into tears.
The tears turn into sadness.
The sadness turns into pain.
My insides are screaming, crying, howling for help.
I feel dead and empty inside.
All alone here in my mind.
I try to reach out, but every attempt fails.
My mind isn’t strong enough,
It fears having to ask others for aid.
It’s not used to it anymore.
It’s used to pain, suffering, crying and so much more.
It doesn’t remember what it felt like to genuinely smile, to genuinely laugh.
It doesn’t remember what it felt like to ask friends for help.
I don’t remember. What it felt like.
I try to ignore this string pulling my heart.
The string that’s pulling my mind.
I try to ignore the pain, the sadness, the hurt, the endless crying.
I try to ignore all of it,
Because I hope that’ll make it go away.
So I can go back to the good times.
Will it? I wonder.
Is it even possible to go back to something you don’t even remember?
What if the sadness and pain go away,
And nothing’s left?
Maybe that’s why I’m afraid.
Because maybe, just maybe,
I’d rather be sad than nothing.
~\ a little something I wrote today /~
